Struggling for contentment in the Christmas season

I've found that shopping, for me, breeds discontentment. Living in a city can also do that. This is only sometimes the case for me, but this past week proved many instances of that. Living in a city, with so many possible things to do, I'm aware of how I can't do them all. A couple weekends ago we were driving through some really cool neighborhoods in NW Philly -- soooo many shops and restaurants; I was thinking, if I had the money, I could dine out 3-4 nights a week! And enjoy all these places.

Now Christmas shopping season is already in full swing (because it really does start a few weeks before Black Friday). It's funny, because shopping for *others* is something I can really enjoy, but when I think about what to put on my wish list, my mind can eventually start to go crazy!  When I'm first asked the question, "Katharine, what would you like for Christmas?" I may draw a blank at first, or just think of some really small things… "Give me some time to think about it," I say, "and I'll get back to you."  Well… only a few days of pondering and internet searching need to pass before there are TONS of things I want! And it's pretty easy for me to get attached to the items I want fairly quickly. So silly, right?

As I walked amongst the jumble of clothing racks at Macy's this afternoon, I noticed this tendency in me again. In two hours, I tried on many items. I would find something I really liked, but then 10 minutes later find something else "even better."  I realized that this process of looking and finding things I "want" could never end. At its worst, shopping can tap into a consumerist desire that is never fulfilled. No matter what you do purchase, there's something else five feet over that's also "so amazing" and you may even think that, by acquiring it, you will feel great.

Now I realize that Black Friday is partially designed to get customers to "keep shopping," and, with all the big sales, to probably get people to buy more than they originally intended, so I think this "breeding discontent" is partly a product of this big shopping season. But I've noticed how strange it is that these unhelpful feelings should coincide with this season of Thanksgiving. Yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday, and Sunday begins the season of Advent, where we reflect on the coming of our Savior and Messiah into the world. It's a season of thankfulness, of joy, of appreciation, of gratitude. We have been given so much, at a great cost to God.

So why should I be struggling with these feelings of discontentment? Yes there are things that I can't have or can't do, but big deal!!! What I do have is so much greater than anything that can be bought or sold. Materials gifts  are a fine way of showing appreciation and love, but I can't make them into something greater than they are -- fleeting.

Consumerism and its discontents - I found this article helpful, and I'm seeing I'm one of the "worst case scenario" types they describe -- someone with high materialist values who also has "high prosocial values," (i.e. values relating to family, community, faith)  and these two value groups often conflict, therefore causing some of the discontentment.

One of the article's conclusions is useful (though maybe a little weak in its wording) and I'll post it here: "Material things are neither bad nor good … It is the role and status they are accorded in one's life that can be problematic. The key is to find a balance: to appreciate what you have, but not at the expense of the things that really matter--your family, community and spirituality." '


(I'd like to add here that I entered the Christmas holiday with much more peace and contentment, after struggling with several discouraging episodes like the one I described above. I have felt so much more satisfied since then, but I recognize that own restlessness and worldly influences can still pull me into "funks" like this one above.  My Kenyan friend, Pini, recently shared that when she came to the U.S. for her studies she really prayed against the love of money, because she feared it would derail or dilute her plans to go home and serve her local community. She was so wise to do that. Her words and Jesus' many warnings against the love of mammon and wealth are vital reminders for us to heed, as Christians.)

soooo hot

It's amazing how hard it is to feel motivated to do anything in this heat! So tiring, even moving about the hot house. Going to work is not easy, getting in and out of the car. And then feeling cooped up inside isn't much fun. Bleh. Where are the summer storms and at least some cool evenings to offer respite??

the latest

So I'm starting to think that the answer to many of my ponderings and queries about calling and place and timing and purpose is:

"Just trust. Wait and see."

missions: back to the point

(This ties back to my post on 6/16)

There seems to be something missing, or shifting – at least in my world but maybe in some larger sense too. I’ve wondered recently where the push for missions has gone? The drive towards inner-city missions seemed to steadily increase towards the end of my college years. I remember Claiborne’s entrance into the evangelical scene with “The Irresistible Revolution” opening many suburban-raised Christians like myself to the mission fields close by, right in our cities – and it was a field that promised transformation for ourselves as well as our new neighbors.

In my masters program at Eastern, so many questions were raised – and I believe this reflects a heightened awareness among many church groups or para-church groups about the ineffectual strategies of some development work, and even the troublesome nature of some missionary work. “Development as missions” is a concept and a calling that felt dear to many who entered our program I think – for that is what Eastern offered us that was unique.

Now, I hardly hear about the missionaries, about their mission, except through a couple prayer letters and e-mail chains from friends and distant acquaintances. I am at a church right now that has a huge focus on urban missions, and that is where we are located, right in the inner city. We’re in this mission field. Our church is open to overseas missions and we financially support some missionaries, but why is it that I don’t have a sense of feeling “sent” by our church? We are missional; our church loves mission – yet, I don’t feel any personal encouragement to be a missionary, to be an ambassador – overseas – for the Gospel.

Now I know there is much work to be done right here, all around us, but what if international missions is the focus we (Ted and I) have had? What if that’s what we’ve felt as our heartbeat before? I’m not sure I’m even reading this the right way, because the core of my values that I believe God has placed on my heart are for LOVE and JUSTICE. And those are in need EVERYWHERE.

So, does international missions even make sense anymore? It must, but what I’m trying to read is what this current wave in missions-thinking is saying – what are Christians really thinking about missions – urban versus international? Is one locale being preferred over another?

Help me.

weekends...

I did this once before, sometime in 2007, where I had a particularly full, unique weekend and just felt like sharing it with everyone :) I suppose if I'm to get the full scope of things I should actually start things last Wednesday evening... when the real fun got started.

5pm & dinner with Deborah. In our two years of being here I hadn't walked to this particular corner of HP, to discover a beautiful corner garden outside of our friend's home. A beautifully fresh meal surrounded by conversations of Sudan, missions & culture.

11:20pm & I leave to pick up 3 weary travelers at the Chinatown bus stop who don't really arrive until about 12:20 am. I had been awaiting word of their flight/travel plans all day as they were trekking across the U.S. on standby from SF, to attend an event called PapaFest in the Pennsylvania farm country. My friend friend Renata was amidst the bunch! We came home, slept, and then they head off early with Ted to the airport/train station, on their way to the Papa gathering

Thurs.

10:00 am & my first Kindergarten graduation. A serious affair with song performances, slide shows, and tassle-shifting, reception, and lots & lots of pictures and excited parents

Evening & nothing, except for Little Caeser's pizza and a movie with my man. Loved it. Precluded by a phone catch-up with my dear friend Katie.

Friday.

10:30 am & 8th grade graduation. Very moving. Saying good-bye to our thirteen 8th grade graduates. I come home at noon to rest & prep for more goodness.

5pm & church cleaning with cell group, yippee! Nah, the work's not so bad when you get to scrub toilets with Wendy Hilemen by your side, haha. Home to change, cook dinner, and make calls before

7pm & last youth group meeting for the spring. Pizza, birthday cakes, games, rug burns and reminiscing. Not too shabby. Then,

9pm & good-bye party for friends Andy and Jodie around the corner from the church, but what? They had already left the party just 4 minutes before we got there! We stayed to chat with the others for 20 minutes... which really turned into 1.5 hours. Whoops, when Hannah starts texting wondering where we are...

11pm & late-comers to the "game night" at Josh and Hannah's house, partly in honor of our visiting friend Chris who moved out to Wisconsin to join InterVarsity staff a year ago. Looked like people were going to bed, but they stayed up and chatted with us for another hour or so anyways -- no games, but good times nonetheless.

Saturday.

12pm & Farmer's Market in HP and then scooting off to Burlington, New Jersey for what? A 40-minute meet-up with Gina which includes going to a Victoria's Secret in a ghetto mall and then picking Yuan and her boyfriend up just in time (or late, whichever) to head off to Flushing, Queens. Wawa stop, Tom Tom directions, and then about 3 hours of halted progress...

6pm & wedding and banquet reception at the Linden Place Chinese banquet hall. Incredible. Yes, there was glitter and lights, beautiful wedding party and service, and food; yes, there was food. 13 courses: eel, jellyfish, seaweed, fish, lobster, shrimp, shark fin soup, octopus, abalone, chicken, steak... and at that point it was 11pm, and we decided to leave, after some dancing of course. The 4 hours of traffic on the way home was a blast ;)

Sunday.

10am & church, sigh. Some Sabbath rest and corn on the cob, and then, a drive to the airport for a 2-hour chat with Renata outside of security before she headed out on her stand-by flight, back to SF. Wonderful time.

Ted and I are facing a decision: well, I don't feel like it's a real decision we can make.

We got turned down for a position that seemed like a great fit in Haiti. If we had been selected, that would have meant us relocating to Port-Au-Prince for at least 3 years. To be geared up for accepting the position, and then to not receive it, was a let down for sure -- they had told us we had a good chance of getting the job.

Not getting this job, mixed with a variety of other reasons, has led us both to wonder whether Haiti is indeed meant to fall in our immediate future. I personally do not know the answer to that question, but it's a question that has been surfacing ever so subtly for some time.

When I have had moments of feeling drawn towards the potential of relationships and ministry here in Philadelphia, I have wondered about the passion we have both felt at differing times about returning to Haiti. When that passion has felt dull, I attribute it mostly to distance and the fact that I have not been immersed with the Haitian population in Philadelphia in order to keep Haiti close.

I have also been reflecting on a tension I feel between the local and international. While my heart has been drawn overseas - "to the nations" - on and off for some time, I feel that we're in a place right now where the emphasis is on local expressions of mission - urban missions, in particular. A spirit of being "sent" overseas has not been fostered here in the same ways I felt it fostered in college -- through programs like Perspectives and missionaries' presentations at church. This has me wondering: how much does place matter?

People seem to de-emphasize the importance of place now, saying that it doesn't matter so much where we are situated, but how we are living out the Gospel wherever we are. Now, I do feel the importance of that sentiment, and I think it encourages good perspective, especially for those in my generation who may fret excessively over finding the perfect "direction" and "meaning" for our lives. But, what about calling? What role can and should that play ... how does calling enter into and alter our lives (by, say, a major move to a foreign country -- something longer than a mission trip) ? And, how is calling to be fostered in the longer-term if, for some reason, it's not meant to be acted upon right away ?

While I could feel like we're at at a fork in the road right now where one direction needs to be chosen over another (Haiti or Philadelphia), I instead am trying not to see two divergent paths. A friend helped by saying recently: "God does not call us to opposing things." So, while our hearts may flutter and dream when thinking of Haiti, we may also see some of the good here: maybe things that we need that we are only vaguely aware of ourselves, things God knows of that we don't.

So I guess what I'm saying here is what if both those things were on our one path? God knows, not us, the proper order of things. The real decision here seems to be whether we will wait and really trust in Him even if that means we feel like we might feel like we're skipping by an important dream. God will fulfill all, and maybe our dreams need to be more fully His -- submitted to Him.

Now it's this step-by-step -- wanting to get back into the Lord's presence to present our hearts to Him and seek direction, and counsel. We'll see.

saintly sayings

In a book I'm reading, The Cloister Walk, I pulled out these two quotes from a 13th century saint:

Of the heavenly things God has shown me, I can speak but a little word, no more than a honeybee can carry away on its foot from an overflowing jar.

What we know is as nothing, if we do not love God properly in all things.

--Mechtild of Madgeburg

As to the second quote, I am so not there yet Mechtild, but I love it. Yes.

thoughts, they scatter

I had a great conversation with a friend this afternoon. I can often spill out what is on my heart with this friend and she catches each thought mid-air and receives it, adding dashes of clarity and wisdom as she recounts what I've said.

I just felt like putting a picture of a dandelion here. I think the spinning seeds drifting off the plant gave me an image I was looking for. I can have a whirl of heavy thoughts impressing upon me all at once, but even as they stir unsettled in my mind, I can see feel some peace and assurance knowing that each means something and each will go somewhere. Even if the process looks confusing, it's not ultimately.

change is happening right here

I now work at Hunting Park Christian Academy. It is a private school right in my neighborhood, staffed by committed individuals with a heart for seeing positive change in the lives of Philadelphian youth. The school started taking shape over 12 years ago, and it now serves 200 kids with a quality education. More than that, the youth at HPCA benefit from a close-knit network of caring relationships - with the staff, with each other, as well as their wider community. I love being a part of this ministry. I love that God is doing all of this right here.

on the line

I think yesterday I started to understand something about the ministries I'm involved in and how I view life and the Gospel. For a time, I have been drawn to certain activities because I recognize something uniquely heavenly about them. Values that I know belong to God's Kingdom:

Community

Diversity

Simplicity.... downward mobility

I see, and I want to be involved. With my gradual involvement though comes something unwelcome-- that is, anxiety. I'm out of my element. What do I do, amidst diversity - in a space that is really not my own?

Christ.

Then I see someone without my outward markings, my visual statements of movement... I see them love. They touch, transform, genuinely... And I am confounded. Why? How?

Out of the fullness that is within them!

What if I just take me, as I am, and care only for the Gospel? Then what will happen... I will love Christ's beauty and be drawn towards His heart. I will adore Him in praise and worship, and the world will love and see.

That is a bold statement for me. But I think I know that all that is worth having and knowing is found in Him - not separate from it but within. I must look to the Maker for all. I cannot pick the pieces out.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord

O Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is [forgiveness];

therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,

for with the Lord is [unfailing love]

and with him is [full redemption.]

He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Lamentations 3:22-3

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness we are not consumed,

because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

great and abundant is your stability and faithfulness.

first, second...

Sitting on a sofa in a cozy, ecclectic cafe in Philadelphia's Fairmount neighborhood. This is a good place to be. Sipping chai, with husband in tow. Yes, this is good. Though, there are many things in my life that are not sorted and situated right now, I can say that I like this. I appreciate these moments.

I don't know why coffee shops have always been a comforting, sought after space for me. E Street in Encinitas, Chamonix or Mishka's in Davis, Higher Grounds in Northern Liberties - they have been good "third places" for some deep reflection, soothing drinks, and great conversations and connection.

The idea of a "third place" has been floating around in our dialogue these past couple of months - as discussion of opening a coffee shop in Philly has blossomed and our much bemoaned lack of a "third place" in Port-au-Prince kept us pining for any place to get away.

One such place inspired me even more. Our holiday visit to the greater Seattle area led us to this establishment one day: Third Place Books is home to not only a new and used bookstore, but multiple food vendors, a print shop, and a stage for community productions and a play area for kids. Very cool: a place with the mission of not only giving people a space to 'get away' but also to foster conversation and community. Mwen renmen li anpil.

So, here's to our "third places," treasures wherever they can be found. (I will note, it'd be nice if the drinks at my third places weren't so darned expensive though. Ted would probably appreciate that too.)