decision

So, Duke happened, and it really inspired me in some unexpected ways. But the Lord, as always, knows what we need, and He speaks to us.

One night of the conference, I became aware of a division I felt within myself. It is a horrible feeling, and I believe I've carried it around for awhile now. I felt divided against myself. Jesus talks about this not making any sense, "a divided house cannot stand" (Mark 3:25). Dueling allegiances, inabilities to choose... they are paralyzing. As I received this word, I sensed some freedom... if I know the cause of some of my pain, then I can reach towards the solution; in this case it's: proclamation, speaking, decision.

(See my latest Philly blog post here.)

Here is where I begin my little tribute to David Wilcox. Last week I re-listened to an album of his that I have a special affinity for. One song that I was so happy to hear starts this way:

its the choice of a lifetime, i'm almost sure. i will not live my life in between anymore. if i can't be certain of all thats in store, this far it feels so right.

so i will hold it up to the light.

And he continues:

i felt dead with deciding, afraid to choose, cause i was mourning the loss of those choices I'd lose. but there's no choice at all if i don't make my move, and just trust that the timing is right. yes and hold it up to the light.

When we know that God has spoken, let's not be "dead with deciding." Let us act; let us speak.

David Wilcox - Hold It Up To The Light

new / old things resurfacing

I can't tell you how excited I've been as I've learned more about the Center for Reconciliation at Duke. And it's not just that but the deeper themes that the Center promotes in this whole realm of the 'ministry of reconciliation.'  I've been reading one of Chris Rice's books about his life and ministry going back to the 1980s, and it's been really instructive and beneficial to just track with someone else's experiences in seeking and living out reconciliation in our divided society.  I love it.

I applied last week for a week-long Summer Institute at Duke's center, and I'll see in a couple of weeks whether I get in, and whether or not I receive some financial assistance.  We'll see... even if this doesn't work out, I'm excited nonetheless about what's happening here, and opportunities to explore these themes further in my life!

when searching for direction

God is the greatest good on this earth. The end for us is Himself. - Francis Chan, Crazy Love (62)

Set times of prayer are valuable in order to form a habit of conversation with God, and-as I said-referring all we do to him. They aren't the end itself, but means to an end. The end is God: being with him, living in his presence and under his control. You can't do that if you try to ration contact with God to twenty minutes twice a day or whatever it is. - Brother Lawrence, Closer Than A Brother (39)

Living more fully for God and for others (Luke 10:27). That's been a helpful theme of what I've been reading. This idea of God being the most wonderful, beautiful end for us - not a means to any other end. The emphasis is on real dependence upon God, on a real relationship that acknowledges how great and good He is.  It's difficult to put into practice!  But, as Brother Lawrence says earlier in his book, God gives us himself (and his approval), even in the middle of our failures - "if we put our trust in him, and love him, and give him first place" (29).

Speaking with an elder at our church a couple of weeks ago, she went through the examen with me. It's a an exercise in reflecting on when we most sense God's presence throughout the day, and when we feel it least. Or, what parts of our day were the most life-giving, and which ones the most life-draining. It can be a way of noticing patterns in our life. Are there situations that are consistently challenging for us, or activities that are particularly joy-giving? In the examen you pray through them both. And, my understanding is that you would want to move towards whatever it is that tends to give you life...

(The Examen - Ignatian Spirituality)

The reasoning behind my appointment with her was to discuss my searching for a sense of direction, and focus in my life. When searching for direction, who better to listen to than God? The simplicity of the answer is almost comical, but it made me realize how difficult it is for me to be still and listen, to receive from the one who created me and loves me.

Changes

A lot has changed since my last post.  For one thing, the weather!  It's now into some freezing temperatures here in mid-January -  but no snow yet.   Ted has been working now with the Christian Legal Clinics of Philadelphia for a few months, and as part of the support-raising process I have started a new blog, one that highlights little aspects of our life and ministry involvement here in Philly.  It's a way to provide some clearer snapshots of what we're doing here.  This blog remains my place to share more of my reflections and thoughts - what I'm thinking about, but with interesting stories woven in from time to time I hope.   I've always been a little sporadic with this,  but thanks for staying tuned and reading up on my life once in awhile ;)

Struggling for contentment in the Christmas season

I've found that shopping, for me, breeds discontentment. Living in a city can also do that. This is only sometimes the case for me, but this past week proved many instances of that. Living in a city, with so many possible things to do, I'm aware of how I can't do them all. A couple weekends ago we were driving through some really cool neighborhoods in NW Philly -- soooo many shops and restaurants; I was thinking, if I had the money, I could dine out 3-4 nights a week! And enjoy all these places.

Now Christmas shopping season is already in full swing (because it really does start a few weeks before Black Friday). It's funny, because shopping for *others* is something I can really enjoy, but when I think about what to put on my wish list, my mind can eventually start to go crazy!  When I'm first asked the question, "Katharine, what would you like for Christmas?" I may draw a blank at first, or just think of some really small things… "Give me some time to think about it," I say, "and I'll get back to you."  Well… only a few days of pondering and internet searching need to pass before there are TONS of things I want! And it's pretty easy for me to get attached to the items I want fairly quickly. So silly, right?

As I walked amongst the jumble of clothing racks at Macy's this afternoon, I noticed this tendency in me again. In two hours, I tried on many items. I would find something I really liked, but then 10 minutes later find something else "even better."  I realized that this process of looking and finding things I "want" could never end. At its worst, shopping can tap into a consumerist desire that is never fulfilled. No matter what you do purchase, there's something else five feet over that's also "so amazing" and you may even think that, by acquiring it, you will feel great.

Now I realize that Black Friday is partially designed to get customers to "keep shopping," and, with all the big sales, to probably get people to buy more than they originally intended, so I think this "breeding discontent" is partly a product of this big shopping season. But I've noticed how strange it is that these unhelpful feelings should coincide with this season of Thanksgiving. Yesterday was the Thanksgiving holiday, and Sunday begins the season of Advent, where we reflect on the coming of our Savior and Messiah into the world. It's a season of thankfulness, of joy, of appreciation, of gratitude. We have been given so much, at a great cost to God.

So why should I be struggling with these feelings of discontentment? Yes there are things that I can't have or can't do, but big deal!!! What I do have is so much greater than anything that can be bought or sold. Materials gifts  are a fine way of showing appreciation and love, but I can't make them into something greater than they are -- fleeting.

Consumerism and its discontents - I found this article helpful, and I'm seeing I'm one of the "worst case scenario" types they describe -- someone with high materialist values who also has "high prosocial values," (i.e. values relating to family, community, faith)  and these two value groups often conflict, therefore causing some of the discontentment.

One of the article's conclusions is useful (though maybe a little weak in its wording) and I'll post it here: "Material things are neither bad nor good … It is the role and status they are accorded in one's life that can be problematic. The key is to find a balance: to appreciate what you have, but not at the expense of the things that really matter--your family, community and spirituality." '


(I'd like to add here that I entered the Christmas holiday with much more peace and contentment, after struggling with several discouraging episodes like the one I described above. I have felt so much more satisfied since then, but I recognize that own restlessness and worldly influences can still pull me into "funks" like this one above.  My Kenyan friend, Pini, recently shared that when she came to the U.S. for her studies she really prayed against the love of money, because she feared it would derail or dilute her plans to go home and serve her local community. She was so wise to do that. Her words and Jesus' many warnings against the love of mammon and wealth are vital reminders for us to heed, as Christians.)

soooo hot

It's amazing how hard it is to feel motivated to do anything in this heat! So tiring, even moving about the hot house. Going to work is not easy, getting in and out of the car. And then feeling cooped up inside isn't much fun. Bleh. Where are the summer storms and at least some cool evenings to offer respite??

the latest

So I'm starting to think that the answer to many of my ponderings and queries about calling and place and timing and purpose is:

"Just trust. Wait and see."