Ted and I are facing a decision: well, I don't feel like it's a real decision we can make.

We got turned down for a position that seemed like a great fit in Haiti. If we had been selected, that would have meant us relocating to Port-Au-Prince for at least 3 years. To be geared up for accepting the position, and then to not receive it, was a let down for sure -- they had told us we had a good chance of getting the job.

Not getting this job, mixed with a variety of other reasons, has led us both to wonder whether Haiti is indeed meant to fall in our immediate future. I personally do not know the answer to that question, but it's a question that has been surfacing ever so subtly for some time.

When I have had moments of feeling drawn towards the potential of relationships and ministry here in Philadelphia, I have wondered about the passion we have both felt at differing times about returning to Haiti. When that passion has felt dull, I attribute it mostly to distance and the fact that I have not been immersed with the Haitian population in Philadelphia in order to keep Haiti close.

I have also been reflecting on a tension I feel between the local and international. While my heart has been drawn overseas - "to the nations" - on and off for some time, I feel that we're in a place right now where the emphasis is on local expressions of mission - urban missions, in particular. A spirit of being "sent" overseas has not been fostered here in the same ways I felt it fostered in college -- through programs like Perspectives and missionaries' presentations at church. This has me wondering: how much does place matter?

People seem to de-emphasize the importance of place now, saying that it doesn't matter so much where we are situated, but how we are living out the Gospel wherever we are. Now, I do feel the importance of that sentiment, and I think it encourages good perspective, especially for those in my generation who may fret excessively over finding the perfect "direction" and "meaning" for our lives. But, what about calling? What role can and should that play ... how does calling enter into and alter our lives (by, say, a major move to a foreign country -- something longer than a mission trip) ? And, how is calling to be fostered in the longer-term if, for some reason, it's not meant to be acted upon right away ?

While I could feel like we're at at a fork in the road right now where one direction needs to be chosen over another (Haiti or Philadelphia), I instead am trying not to see two divergent paths. A friend helped by saying recently: "God does not call us to opposing things." So, while our hearts may flutter and dream when thinking of Haiti, we may also see some of the good here: maybe things that we need that we are only vaguely aware of ourselves, things God knows of that we don't.

So I guess what I'm saying here is what if both those things were on our one path? God knows, not us, the proper order of things. The real decision here seems to be whether we will wait and really trust in Him even if that means we feel like we might feel like we're skipping by an important dream. God will fulfill all, and maybe our dreams need to be more fully His -- submitted to Him.

Now it's this step-by-step -- wanting to get back into the Lord's presence to present our hearts to Him and seek direction, and counsel. We'll see.

saintly sayings

In a book I'm reading, The Cloister Walk, I pulled out these two quotes from a 13th century saint:

Of the heavenly things God has shown me, I can speak but a little word, no more than a honeybee can carry away on its foot from an overflowing jar.

What we know is as nothing, if we do not love God properly in all things.

--Mechtild of Madgeburg

As to the second quote, I am so not there yet Mechtild, but I love it. Yes.

thoughts, they scatter

I had a great conversation with a friend this afternoon. I can often spill out what is on my heart with this friend and she catches each thought mid-air and receives it, adding dashes of clarity and wisdom as she recounts what I've said.

I just felt like putting a picture of a dandelion here. I think the spinning seeds drifting off the plant gave me an image I was looking for. I can have a whirl of heavy thoughts impressing upon me all at once, but even as they stir unsettled in my mind, I can see feel some peace and assurance knowing that each means something and each will go somewhere. Even if the process looks confusing, it's not ultimately.

change is happening right here

I now work at Hunting Park Christian Academy. It is a private school right in my neighborhood, staffed by committed individuals with a heart for seeing positive change in the lives of Philadelphian youth. The school started taking shape over 12 years ago, and it now serves 200 kids with a quality education. More than that, the youth at HPCA benefit from a close-knit network of caring relationships - with the staff, with each other, as well as their wider community. I love being a part of this ministry. I love that God is doing all of this right here.

on the line

I think yesterday I started to understand something about the ministries I'm involved in and how I view life and the Gospel. For a time, I have been drawn to certain activities because I recognize something uniquely heavenly about them. Values that I know belong to God's Kingdom:

Community

Diversity

Simplicity.... downward mobility

I see, and I want to be involved. With my gradual involvement though comes something unwelcome-- that is, anxiety. I'm out of my element. What do I do, amidst diversity - in a space that is really not my own?

Christ.

Then I see someone without my outward markings, my visual statements of movement... I see them love. They touch, transform, genuinely... And I am confounded. Why? How?

Out of the fullness that is within them!

What if I just take me, as I am, and care only for the Gospel? Then what will happen... I will love Christ's beauty and be drawn towards His heart. I will adore Him in praise and worship, and the world will love and see.

That is a bold statement for me. But I think I know that all that is worth having and knowing is found in Him - not separate from it but within. I must look to the Maker for all. I cannot pick the pieces out.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord

O Lord, hear my voice.

Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is [forgiveness];

therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,

and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,

for with the Lord is [unfailing love]

and with him is [full redemption.]

He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Lamentations 3:22-3

It is because of the Lord's mercy and loving-kindness we are not consumed,

because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;

great and abundant is your stability and faithfulness.

first, second...

Sitting on a sofa in a cozy, ecclectic cafe in Philadelphia's Fairmount neighborhood. This is a good place to be. Sipping chai, with husband in tow. Yes, this is good. Though, there are many things in my life that are not sorted and situated right now, I can say that I like this. I appreciate these moments.

I don't know why coffee shops have always been a comforting, sought after space for me. E Street in Encinitas, Chamonix or Mishka's in Davis, Higher Grounds in Northern Liberties - they have been good "third places" for some deep reflection, soothing drinks, and great conversations and connection.

The idea of a "third place" has been floating around in our dialogue these past couple of months - as discussion of opening a coffee shop in Philly has blossomed and our much bemoaned lack of a "third place" in Port-au-Prince kept us pining for any place to get away.

One such place inspired me even more. Our holiday visit to the greater Seattle area led us to this establishment one day: Third Place Books is home to not only a new and used bookstore, but multiple food vendors, a print shop, and a stage for community productions and a play area for kids. Very cool: a place with the mission of not only giving people a space to 'get away' but also to foster conversation and community. Mwen renmen li anpil.

So, here's to our "third places," treasures wherever they can be found. (I will note, it'd be nice if the drinks at my third places weren't so darned expensive though. Ted would probably appreciate that too.)