Ted and I are facing a decision: well, I don't feel like it's a real decision we can make.

We got turned down for a position that seemed like a great fit in Haiti. If we had been selected, that would have meant us relocating to Port-Au-Prince for at least 3 years. To be geared up for accepting the position, and then to not receive it, was a let down for sure -- they had told us we had a good chance of getting the job.

Not getting this job, mixed with a variety of other reasons, has led us both to wonder whether Haiti is indeed meant to fall in our immediate future. I personally do not know the answer to that question, but it's a question that has been surfacing ever so subtly for some time.

When I have had moments of feeling drawn towards the potential of relationships and ministry here in Philadelphia, I have wondered about the passion we have both felt at differing times about returning to Haiti. When that passion has felt dull, I attribute it mostly to distance and the fact that I have not been immersed with the Haitian population in Philadelphia in order to keep Haiti close.

I have also been reflecting on a tension I feel between the local and international. While my heart has been drawn overseas - "to the nations" - on and off for some time, I feel that we're in a place right now where the emphasis is on local expressions of mission - urban missions, in particular. A spirit of being "sent" overseas has not been fostered here in the same ways I felt it fostered in college -- through programs like Perspectives and missionaries' presentations at church. This has me wondering: how much does place matter?

People seem to de-emphasize the importance of place now, saying that it doesn't matter so much where we are situated, but how we are living out the Gospel wherever we are. Now, I do feel the importance of that sentiment, and I think it encourages good perspective, especially for those in my generation who may fret excessively over finding the perfect "direction" and "meaning" for our lives. But, what about calling? What role can and should that play ... how does calling enter into and alter our lives (by, say, a major move to a foreign country -- something longer than a mission trip) ? And, how is calling to be fostered in the longer-term if, for some reason, it's not meant to be acted upon right away ?

While I could feel like we're at at a fork in the road right now where one direction needs to be chosen over another (Haiti or Philadelphia), I instead am trying not to see two divergent paths. A friend helped by saying recently: "God does not call us to opposing things." So, while our hearts may flutter and dream when thinking of Haiti, we may also see some of the good here: maybe things that we need that we are only vaguely aware of ourselves, things God knows of that we don't.

So I guess what I'm saying here is what if both those things were on our one path? God knows, not us, the proper order of things. The real decision here seems to be whether we will wait and really trust in Him even if that means we feel like we might feel like we're skipping by an important dream. God will fulfill all, and maybe our dreams need to be more fully His -- submitted to Him.

Now it's this step-by-step -- wanting to get back into the Lord's presence to present our hearts to Him and seek direction, and counsel. We'll see.